i wrote again. i confessed about how i felt again... i don't know the feeling when someone in love with you, never showed anything at all or its me? he never convinced his heart to love me. i don't think he even proved any of it. mungkin ani adalah ujian. sejauh mana kitani as a fergille human beings kena uji tentang hati dan perasaan. i tried my hard but i don't know is it enough? it's totally hurt. i'm kind of someone who thinks too much or being possessive or mentally worried.. its so complicated.. kadang-kadang apa yang kitani harap ia berlaku, inda sama dengan reliti atas pengharapan yang kitani fikirkan. sebab atulah kitani akan merasa sakit dan terluka. this is not a myth. this is true! never expected anything from the guy we loved will show what you want in your mind. hahahaha.. its really hurt broken. i did love him and i did thank him for everything he did to me. at least the part when he said he fell in love with me. seriously for all confession he was saying to me please la don't base it anything on lie. please showed it. please cared for me. i want that from you. convince my heart to love you back. make me happy. what you always do is break my heart. and its hurt. you almost make me cry. what is that? please....
how can i understand you, when you never understand what i really want. how? i did understand your limited space on your work. i did understand that you love your family more than i do, i did understand your complicated minds. semua tu lebih baik mengalah daripada berkelahi, merajuk, ambil hati kah. i tried my hard for being patient and understanding. tapi sampai bila? selama-lamanya? sampai kahwin? stupid. Ya Allah apakah ini semua? tapi apa yang perlu dilakukan ialah tabah menghadapi segala cobaan hati dan perasaan because we can't read people minds... we can't understand what people want more than what we understand our self. then of course help me here............................................................................
ok. this is what you should do.
I should remember this 15 ways to keep relationship working... everyday. oh yes. remember number five. when you get hurt just forgive and forget. how about number seven? ohh thats sound like me. never say it's okay even when it's not... wow! i always said it was all okay but the fact that it was not okay. i wish you can read this hahaha. but i never share my blog to him. i just let him to find it by himself. this is me. yang penting di sini i want a relationship when he loves me, he means it. when he loves me, his intention is to marry with me someday. in syaa Allah jika ada jodoh... Ya Allah bantulah hamba, satukan hati lelaki ini dengan hati hamba. semoga dipermudahkan semuanya.
hahahaha.... this is so amusing.. how can he will treat myself like a princess? i don't think so. hahahaha... i don't know...i don't have any idea about this regardless he always make me unhappy (well, not whole but most) lebih baik jadi kawan saja dulu daripada ia bagitahu hati dan perasaan nya. walaupun i want that. tapi sudah ia bagitahu segala isi hatinya. macamani plang jadi nya. awkward and hurt! the more i think about him the more i hurt.... but i do love him. i never lie what i feel toward him... my heart will go on and on...
P.S: today is his birthday. believe it or not, i still not greeting him yet. believe it or not yesterday i was waiting his text for whole night but he didn't text me back and i was like "what happened? did i do something wrong again? is he going to write a letter? believe it or not he actually online. he updated his Facebook and i was like omg! whyyyyy???? ok then i just ok.. lets forget thing and just listened to Celine Dion's song instead. malas mau fikir. until tomorrow at 8am i guess. he texted and his sorry for the late reply? and he's at the office already... bravo... i like the way you treat my heart like that. it was hurt dear you... you almost make me cry and i hate crying but you did! why? are you trying to challenge me? it was not funny! however, i still want to give him a chance. and i want him to call me tonight. kalau banyak alasan nya sampai seribu kah apa... ok its time for me to shut myself off from him for a week (hope so) hahaha... and tell him to give me some space to calm myself down. thats it. so let wait and see what is happening tonight....
Labels: 2014, April, blog, boring, Boys
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Do you ever feel how love can turn your life upside down?... you never know. it was really indescribable. i was really speechless on that time where the guy i secretly love, love me the way i love him. it was really make my days goes from zero to a million numbers but i can't never choose either one of the numbers. i was so overjoyed when i received an exciting news yet makes me ten thousand breakdown after i saw a really long confession letter from him.
Di sinilah mulanya bila perasaan bercampur baur..
How is it feel when the guy you love the most never replied any of your texts and ignore you for just an hour? or a several days? may be a month? aren't you gonna give up on him by finding any different new guys just to avoid your lonely days.. i did! hahaha.. but luckily before he's gone for days i told him about this new guy friend. he responded me a normal reaction and it was so unbelievable that he said it was ok because a friend of yours, just like me. i am your friends... hmmm macam... ok! apakan! omg! what! hahaha.. i never though that was his answered.. you know i want to make you jealous! whatever.. i did talk with this new guy friend. his face just look like this singer from Indonesia named Afgan... ada lesung pipit, almost-chinese-babyface, and wearing a spectacles.. samaaaa.. he is two years younger than me and absolutely make my days goes better everyday.. but he can't never help me to forget this first guy i love. he can just makes my days cheerful. he makes me smile and laugh. sometimes i feel guilty toward him. i mean how sweet this guy is to me walaupun tah ia ani so young... childish? yes he is..a bit i guess.. i even shared him about my first love who didn't text all my messages.. he gave me a great advices. he gave me a moral support to be more patient on waiting someone.. 'kalau jodoh tidak ke mana' i don't know if he considered me more than a friend, even he just knew me for two weeks? boleh ah.
On Monday, 10.28 pm, this guy name M.. (yes, his name start with a letter M) texted me and asked me about my email because he got a letter that he wrote for me to read in his email.. wow.. you know my heartbeat was accelerated. siapa jua inda akan terkejut bila tiba-tiba sahaja he asked me about my email, letter and he got something for me to read... waaaa... stressful! once he send the email to me. yes i immediately went to gmail to check whats the letter all about... seriously kan bersangka baik dalam fikiran masatu langsung nada.. semua sangkaan yang buruk-buruk.. what ifs? what ifs? what ifs? hahaha. lagi-lagi tah bila nampak sekali pandang ia tulis dengan panjang sekali.. 3 paragraphs.. i was soooooooo frighten that i went to my friend, Colby. i told her to read it for me. whilst that i cried heavily... what ifs are the words that rounding inside my mind. Colby read it to me then she told me to read those by myself. masih jua dengan keras kepala atu nyuruh ia bacakan... Colby told me for short about his past.. bla-bla-bla. hahaha. dengan perasaan yang kuat atu memberanikan diri jua membaca surat atu. i went to my bed while listening to Afgan's song "sabar" on repeat. i read it scrutinised. And of course it brought me in tears after he confessed about he felt toward me.. Ya Allah it was soooooo amazing! i never felt this kind of way before. it totally gave me butterflies... i even shared this to Kaka Katy. She is the best sister ever, who gave me a moral support and several advices.. Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah for giving me opportunities to feel this "love-magical-kind-of-feeling" hahahaha. i don't give a quick respond on that night. i went to Istikharah the day after tomorrow. Alhamdulillah... after i finished perform my solat Istikahrah and Suboh. i received his text in Wechat (a best social network, that brought me to know him) Do you know M.. i don't even care your past, your bad history toward some of your ex-girlfriends. i even much more grateful to get to know you. i am this girl who never care whats that person did in the past. all people deserved a second chance. we can change by never did the same mistake twice.forget the past and move on. thank you M for loving me and confessed and shared me everything. i never been appreciated by what you done toward me. Mashaa Allah. Siapalah saya untuk si dia mencintai diri ini.. saya tidak sempurna, tetapi saya berusaha belajar untuk memperbaiki diri.
He even asked me either i can accept his feelings toward me.. hahaha.. i'm not directly saying 'yes' to him... so i requested him to ask me the same question again once we meet. i wanna see that. i wanna see his honesty toward me. i wanna see his face. i wanna see how he going to say that in front of me. i wanna how my reaction is (even i can't see my own reflection for this) hahaha.. we wait and see... i don't even know this either... yang penting semoga Allah izinkan semuanya.. semoga Allah berikan jawapan yang selama ani kitani cari tapi belum di temui akan di temui secepat mungkin hehehe... no worries M, i will never disappointed you.... semoga apa yang di cari itu lah dia..
Wow.... when is the last time i wrote this kind of pleasant post? it been such a long time... atu pun semua pengakuan tentang jejaka-jejaka kupusb that i admired but never worked at all.. why? i mostly told them i like them than they likes me.. hahaha pathetic.. but now Alhamdulillah.. some random guy i know that not from Kupusb, age 30, good-looking (hahaha), wearing spectacle, cute smile and ada janggut... (almost perfect to me. just to my own self he is perfect, well the fact that the first time we met and he met my parents.. he is really nice) seriously! additionally he even confessed all his heart to me... waaaaa.. lovey dovey jua ku tu... hehehe
by writing this i smiled from my heart. i am so thrilled!
as what i know mungkin banyak lagi ujian yang akan aku tempuhi dan ujian yang memberi kitani banyak pengalaman. In syaa Allah, keep praying to Allah. never stop praying...
kini aku berharap waktu akan membawa diri ini kepada mu...
Labels: 2014, April, cute, happy, love, smile, tumblr, Update